


Of CP9, Kitties and Very Bad Days

by Maldoror_Chant



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Crack devil fruit power that turns people back into children, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Lucci always needed to be taken down a peg..., No baby leopards were harmed in the making of this fic, That's literal fluff, aka that old trope, but this time applied to CP9, fic with illustrations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 11:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18827335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: The day's fine - hunting pirates, killing people, cleaning up the World Government beaches, the usual - until one of their intended victims hits Lucci with a Devil Fruit power. The kind that turns the biological clock of a person back a few decades. The Straw Hats seem to run afoul of guys like that all the time, and why should they have all the fun, right?Kaku would like to rebut that affirmation, but he's got his hands full...





	1. Of CP9, Kitties and Very Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not very good at drawing, I'm definitely more at ease with the written word. These pics took me a ridiculous amount of time, but I had these images stuck in my head a long while back, and I just had to put them down on paper, and come up with the story that goes with them.

Since this is CP9 we're talking about, it started with a fight. A nasty one. But one of the soon-to-be-deceased opponents had an unusual power, and Lucci caught a lucky shot in the chest as he jumped the guy. 

Instinct sent Lucci all the way to full leopard form for that extra dose of speed and viciousness, but by the time he crashed into the Devil Fruit user, the end effect was like being assaulted by a small pillow. Once the pirate got over his panic and realized he'd managed to nail his attacker, he picked up the unconscious cub by the scruff of the neck and started to gloat (because that is what one does in these circumstances): 

"Bwahahaha, look at this! Harmless as a pussy cat! What shall I do with you? I'm thinking slippers, or maybe-" and that's when Kaku showed up, having polished off his share of attackers and wondering what was taking Lucci so long to finish his. 

Everybody involved had a Very Bad Day from that point onwards. 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169717594@N07/47797124832/in/dateposted-public/)

Once things calmed down, Kaku took some time to assess the damage. 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169717594@N07/40882446393/in/dateposted-public/)

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169717594@N07/40882446213/in/dateposted-public/)

The damage, Kaku decided, was terrible, especially to his sanity.

\---

 

He ended up bringing his leader home in a basket, mewing piteously. Which was better than bringing him home without a basket; Kaku tried that briefly and got pretty scratched up despite Tekkai and a quick grab by the scruff of the neck. Lucci was abnormally strong for his size, no surprise there.

The leopard form reversed as soon as Lucci calmed down enough to fall asleep. At which point, CP9 discovered that the only thing more terrible than their team leader was their team leader as a toddler. 

It was decided unanimously that that month was going to be Forgotten (once Jyabura got his full pound of guffaws out of it, or until Lucci came back, murderously mad, whichever came first).


	2. Of CP9, Kitties and Very Bad Days... The Return

The agents of Cipher Pol 9 weren't subject to many questions as a rule. Kaku was answerable only to his Director and the latter's superiors in the government. The rank and file of Marines and agents from other bureaus had neither the right nor the courage to ask him such questions as 'Have you completed your mission?', 'Any casualties?', 'What the hell do you have in that basket, a baby leopard or something?!'

Kaku ignored the sailors and officials respectfully stepping aside for him, and made his roundabout way to the cabin he'd been assigned to. Anybody giving the hissing, shaking, mewling basket a second glance got caught in a dead-eyed stare from a man who was stronger than two hundred of their ilk, considerably more lethal and in a bad mood to boot. That discouraged idle curiosity quite adequately. 

After locking the door, Kaku sat down on the bed with a sigh. He took a minute to compose himself before he cracked open the lid of the basket.

"Lucci?" 

The answer was bristly. The golden eyes glaring up at him out of the darkness were both furious and unforgiving. Oh boy. But it wasn't as if Kaku had had a choice. Lucci had behaved alright at first (the word 'adorable' was trying to sneak in by the back door, but Kaku's brain was barring access because he couldn't handle it). But then Lucci had wanted to chase after Hattori rather than evacuate the premises, and he'd not taken kindly to being picked up and bundled out. It had all gone downhill from there.

"It will take awhile until we arrive at Enies Lobby. Do you want me to let you out?" He'd left a cowering and confused Hattori perched outside on the railing, and he'd checked there were no tiny holes his team-leader could crawl into; it should be safe enough. 

There was an evil-tempered sound from within. Lucci didn't like the basket. The basket had been uncalled for, in Lucci's opinion. The basket was going to die, and Kaku shouldn't be making any long-term plans either.

"I'll let you out." Kaku was a CP9 agent and one of the strongest in their group, second only to Lucci who was now a leopard cub. The situation shouldn't spin out of control. Well, not any more than it already had. "I've picked up some ham from the ship's kitchen, and I'll give you, um, a saucer of water...I don't have any, uh, kitty litter..."

Kaku's voice trailed off. 

"Which makes me more certifiable?" he finally mused. "The fact that I'm talking to you about kitty litter, or the fact that I'm talking to you at all?"

"Mrrrrroowrrrrrrnn."

"Right, right..."

The trip back to Enies Lobby was nothing to write home about.

 

\---

 

Kaku felt only fatalistic resignation when he ran into Jyabura. He'd already concluded there was some kind of sick predestination at work. 

"What the hell is that?" 

Ah, the inevitable question. Kaku glanced down at the basket which wasn't being appreciated any more now than it had been previously; the contents were alternating between tearing it up and mewing in a heart-breaking manner, which was just as unsettling. Before leaving the ship, Kaku had reinforced the disintegrating container with steel mesh and other supplies from the engine room, but from the sound of it, these were only temporary measures at best. Fortunately, he was only two floors and a few rooms away from his final destination.

"It's Lucci." There was no point delaying the inevitable. 

Jyabura and Blueno stared at him. Their other colleagues were nowhere in sight, a small mercy.

"Devil fruit user," Kaku said, telegraph style, interrupting Jyabura's 'Have you been drinking?' "Caught Lucci while morphing. Turned back the physiological clock on him. He's stuck as a leopard cub. The assailant couldn't reverse it, but assured me the effects will only last a month. I'm going to the clinic to see if that can be curtailed. If you'll excuse me-"

"Can I see?"

Oddly enough, that hadn't come from Jyabura - who was still transitioning from a stunned look to one that suggested all his birthdays had come at once - but from Blueno.

"See? Why?" But Blueno didn't answer him, eyes fixed on the mewling cat carrier.

Then Jyabura let out a howl of laughter that sent echoes rushing down the hallways like a pack of baying wolves. The occupant of the basket started, making it sway by the handle until Kaku got a better grip- which he lost a second later when Jyabura, still laughing fit to choke, ripped the carrier away and tore off the lid.

"Hey!" Kaku snapped, trying to get Lucci back-

"Jyabura! Not by the scruff!" Blueno barked, uncharacteristically raising his voice-

Lucci didn't say anything, but he made his point a whole lot louder and clearer for all that.

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169717594@N07/47849320071/in/dateposted-public/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169717594@N07/40882446313/in/dateposted-public/)

 

It took both agents to get Lucci off of Jyabura's face. Kaku made sure his colleague wasn't seriously injured - only well-bitten about the nose and pissed as hell - then quickly looked around for Lucci. Blueno had him. He-

Kaku took a second, longer look at the tableau. Blueno was holding Lucci in one arm and soothing him with his free hand. Lucci, bristling at Jyabura, had his claws sunk into Blueno's biceps, but either Blueno had engaged Tekkai or else he didn't care too much. 

"There there, calm down."

"Mrrroowrrrn."

"Shhhh."

Kaku rubbed his eyes...He remembered talking with Lucci over drinks late one night after a tough one, and for some reason the discussion had wandered on to the matter of foibles. All CP9 agents had them, Lucci had said; they were pressure valves for the kind of job they were expected to do. 'Foibles', that's what Lucci called them, even though his 'foible' was toying with people like a cat played with a mouse on those occasions the mission parameters allowed it. Kaku remembered swallowing his sake in one shot at the time thinking 'oh well...it's just a word...'

He'd never gotten to know Blueno all that well on a personal level despite five years undercover together on Water 7. He had a good grasp of Blueno's abilities, his tactics, his strengths and weaknesses, but he'd never figured out Blueno's foibles, for instance. Though now that he thought back on it, he remembered occasionally finding his fellow conspirator at the back of the bar in an alley full of empty bottles, feeding a bunch of strays with what Blueno had passed off as 'just leftovers, they'll knock over my garbage to get them otherwise'.

Blueno's long, solemn face was completely unmoved. He'd started scratching Lucci behind the ears (Kaku's sense of reality was slipping fast, leaving him mildly surprised that he'd kept onto it this long). Lucci got a firmer grip into Blueno's forearm, drawing blood for sure this time, but his ears were no longer flat against his skull and he was starting to de-bristle. Blueno tickled Lucci beneath the jaw. Lucci sank his teeth into Blueno's thumb, but there wasn't that much hostility behind the gesture anymore. Blueno calmly detached Lucci from the digit and went back to the ears. "There there..."

Depending on how they were handled, an agent's eccentricities could be a weakness or a strength, Lucci had explained back then. Kaku had remembered that and always applied himself to putting his and other's foibles to good use when possible. 

"Blueno?"

After a couple of seconds, Blueno looked up slowly. "Hmm?"

"I have this great idea. Why don’t you carry him up to the clinic with me?"

"If you want," was Blueno's deep rumble of an answer. They both ignored a swearing, bleeding Jyabura, and headed towards the stairs.

\---

 

The eggheads in the lab attached to the clinic said there was no way to reverse the effect artificially. This came as absolutely no surprise to Kaku.

Spandam was away at Central HQ, toadying up to some high-level politicians. Kalifa called him with the news herself, waiting until she heard the clink of china and a sip before dropping the bombshell. 

Kaku did not hear Spandam's howls of scalded agony over the den den mushi, or Kumadori's tragic skit regarding the fall of heroes, or Jyabura swearing revenge. Fukurou was away on a mission, but Kaku didn't know that either. He presumed Lucci would end up on a pillow in Blueno's room tonight, but Kaku didn't go and check. Kaku had fallen into bed, still fully dressed, and was sleeping with the determination of a man who hoped the nightmare would be over when he woke up.

It wasn't.


	3. Son Of CP9, Kitties and Very Bad Days

The loud knock shattered a weird dream he'd been having. Kaku opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, trying to dispel the vision of a humongous ball of red yarn chasing him...

"Kaku?" The knock sounded again.

Blueno. And like a cascade of associations, Blueno meant cat meant Lucci meant cub meant that Kaku now wanted to go back to sleep desperately.

"Coming," he mumbled instead, rubbing his face and attempting to wake up. The mission had been stressful; particularly that last bit after all the enemies had been defeated...Nothing like massive shock to rack up credit on the energy reserves.

When he opened the door, Kaku got another helping of shock with a side order of utterly freaked as well.

"The good news is that he changed back during the night. Probably when he fell asleep." Blueno's voice seemed to be coming from very far away, edged out by the probing gaze the young child in his arms was leveling at Kaku.

...Kaku realized that, despite biology, a few of Lucci's rare stories about his childhood and simple logic, Kaku had never actually believed that Lucci had ever been a baby. Not _really_. The very notion bent the imagination into strange and frightening shapes.

And now he was looking straight at the reality. A CP9 agent had a well-rounded education covering a wide range of subjects to help infiltrate his targets, but children were one area where Kaku came up a bit short. So it was hard to tell how young Lucci was at this point, maybe a year old, maybe two, but he was small enough where he could sit on Blueno's arm and look lost against the expanse of his colleague's chest. His face was heart-shaped rather than long, and just...tiny. The eyebrows were teensy curves only foretelling the predator hook they'd eventually grow into. And no beard, of course. Minute little fingers were curled into his mouth, which looked just wrong when you knew what they were ordinarily capable of. Yeah, the only thing that said a word about this being an elite killer were the eyes, which were fixed on Kaku in an unblinking stare as if trying to drill a hole in his forehead. 

"This is the good news?" Kaku said weakly, clutching the doorknob to keep himself upright. "What's the bad news?"

For all answer, he found Lucci hovering a foot away from him as Blueno held him out. "The bad news is that I have a mission. My train leaves-"

"No."

"-in an hour, and-"

"No. Come on. You have a _mission_?"

"That's what I said."

"...Can I go in your stead?"

Blueno ponderously shook his head. "Sorry, it requires my abilities."

"...Need an assist?"

"No, I need someone to babysit him."

"But surely one of the others-"

A very short list flashed through Kaku's mind; Kalifa was at the top of it, and if she ever got wind of that fact, they wouldn't even find his remains. Kalifa was out of the question. So was Jyabura. Fukurou would be away for awhile, as was Spandam - not that Kaku wanted to see his partner scalded by cups of falling coffee while young, helpless and unable to dodge. Kumadori flashed briefly through Kaku's mind, but the agent was ten times Lucci's current size and perhaps thirty times his weight, what with the hair, and had the habit of not always looking where he stepped. 

"We can ask one of the Marines on the base- you know, someone with kids - to watch him. Can't we?"

When Blueno failed to leap onto that suggestion with a happy cry, Kaku tore his gaze away from Lucci's and glanced up to find his colleague giving him a long, slow stare. Hattori was sitting on Blueno's shoulder looking depressed enough to moult. Kaku had a sinking feeling he was going to know what that felt like very shortly.

"What?"

"Maybe you should look at him again."

Kaku did as advised and finally noticed a few extra odds and ends, like the small leopard ears poking through the curly black hair, the faint speckles running down the side of Lucci's face and neck, and the tail hanging from the adult's t-shirt that Blueno had wrapped and knotted around him like a toga.

"Oh," said Kaku weakly. 

"Yes. Oh. In case you were wondering, he's kept some of his relative strength as well. I don't think it'd be safe to leave him with a normal family. Especially one with kids. No, I don't think that'd be a good idea at all."

"Oh," Kaku repeated, because that really was all he could think of at the moment. Lucci was giving him the drilling look again. And then the little mouth opened and he muttered something. Kaku expected it to be 'get a grip, idiot', but it came out sounding like 'foo ka'.

"Huh?"

"I expect he's hungry," Blueno said, using Soru to get the drop on Kaku, plonk Lucci into the latter's hands and take off again. "And at some point you'll need diapers. Some time soon, I imagine. Good luck."

"Wait!"

"Foo ka burb," Lucci grumbled and stuck his fingers back into his mouth. If he was bothered by the way Kaku was holding him at arm's length, it wasn't apparent. With a limp flutter, Hattori circled the two of them and then settled on Kaku's head with what the agent could have sworn was a sigh.

"I should get a raise for this," Kaku finally informed the room at large, but then he glanced down at his partner and got a hold of himself. Yes, Lucci was his partner. His first wave of confused panic abating, Kaku grimly acknowledged that this was his responsibility. Fine. He was a CP9 agent. He could deal. 

"So...want breakfast?"

Lucci stared at him. And then suddenly grinned. One of his front teeth had yet to grow in, leaving a gap. 

"And early retirement. I better get early retirement. Come on, let's go see what the commissary can whip up on short notice."

 

\---

 

"Okay, open your mouth. There-"

"Fffua bada mum."

"...First off, don't speak when you've got a mouthful of mashed carrots. Second...knowing my luck, you're going to remember all of this when you get back to normal next month, and you'd better not take your temper and wounded pride out on me, Lucci, because I swear I'll go Zoan on your ass and I don't care how many douriki you have, I'll cream you, got it? Don't mess with the half-crazed and long-suffering partner."

"Murama?" 

"Yeah. Open your mouth..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alll done, I'll step away from the keyboard now and go with the kindly men in white coats.


End file.
